When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
