I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
