Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
either way he was missing a nipple.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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