Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
