I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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