Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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