I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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