She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
We smell like vodka and hangover
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
