you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
