Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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