How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
