My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The uberlube is also flammable
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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