I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
