I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
