i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
