Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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