Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
