There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
