be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
