FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
