if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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