Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
