Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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