last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
