I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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