I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
