My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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