Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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