false alarm. still invincible.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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