He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
