going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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