i wish there were pregnant emoticons
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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