He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
