you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
