We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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