If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
