So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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