I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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