i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
