He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
