i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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