There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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