i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
