her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
