I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
