So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
