Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
