I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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