I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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