im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
